No Holds Barred

This is my 21st post, and probably my last. Anyway, I came across my old blog on here. It is called No Holds Barred. There is like 30 posts or something. It is me tackling things in the news, society, life in general, etc, and just tossing my opinion out there without ever biting my tongue. It is No Holds Barred after all. I should have kept up with it, or start doing it again because I had fun, and I found it to be an entertaining read.

So here I am giving you the link to that blog, and it will have more posts then just this blog for you to look and read and enjoy. Trust me, its much better then this blog and me being no in a creative mood for this one lately. So please enjoy, and read some of the back posts on that blog. I think you will be entertained, and if you are, pass it on. Maybe if I get some readers I will start posting there again. Enjoy

http://noholdsbarredkc.blogspot.com/

Aaron Lewis- My Idol

Aaron Lewis is the lead singer of the band Staind, which is a rock group. He also does country music on the side. He is my idol. When I felt I had no one else, his music and lyrics got me through the hardest times in my life. I have never missed a show of his, whether it be his acoustic shows, or with his band as a whole.

Tuesday he came out with his country album, called the Road. I hate country, but its my idol, so I bought it. I have heard some of the songs, and I love everything he does. Needless to say, I love the album. My parents always had country on, and besides Garth Brooks, I couldnt stand it. But I LOVE GREAT SONG WRITING. Believe me, Aaron is one of the best song writers ever. I mean, every song he does in whatever genre cuts right to the point and right to the heart.

This new album sounds like old country, like my dog died kind of music, but its amazing. My favorites are Anywhere But Here, and Party In Hell. I am pretty sure that is where I am going, and this song fits. And we all know that is where all the cool people are going to be anyway.  haha

He is coming to town next Friday, and I havent got my tickets yet. I am scrounging up money because I never miss him. This album and concert is coming right at the perfect time, because what I am going through in my life right now, the only thing that could make me feel better is Aaron Lewis and his words, he makes me feel like I am not alone. The man is amazing.

They say the pen is mightier then the sword, or basically words. Is this because words can cut like a knife through your soul? A phone call about a death in the family. Your significant other telling you in a letter its over. Your boss telling you you are fired. Your parents screaming at you for bringing home a bad grade.

All of these things can rip your heart out or make you cringe. A swore,, however, can slash you and kill you. Can words kill? This is something I have just thought about. I guess words like hate speech could cause someone to kill. I just dont know if the pen is mightier then the sword. I dont know if words can kill.

That being said, I do think speaking certain words, or writing certain things CAN get you killed or at least people want you dead. Look at Rushdi. Look at the guy who made the Muslim film. Look at lovers who kill the other because of a verbal fight. Maybe a racist remark or homophobic remark gets someone killed.

I am just rambling again, but for some reason that quote came to me. I dont know if any of that made any sense, but once again I am just writing all this wacko stuff floating through my mind because I just cant think of anything else to write. I guess I am going to publish it. If you read this journal, I am sorry, because its mostly crap.  haha   Its just not been a good month and the holidays are coming up and I am just blah. I just need to make it through this course and my other class and get that much needed break.

I am taking Creative writing again next semester, so hopefully some of my writing energy and creative thoughts comes back through. Sigh

Last Bark

Once again, I walk around my cage. I barely fit in here, and there is not much room to move around. The floor is covered in old newspaper, and from the night I had, it is wet and full of waste. I did not sleep very good, as the others were very loud last night yelping.

I have been here for what seems like eternity, and although I have made friends, it is so lonely. I miss my home. The family I once knew. I guess I got to old or something. I thought I would be there until the day I died, but now here I am. Imprisoned, surrounded by others who have bad legs, fleas, or are just old like me.

I have to stay in the corner as the newspaper is covered, and I dont want to step in my own urine. I whimper a little as I havent seen the young man that does the cleaning here. I reminsice on my past, but it only makes me more sad because I know that is to never be again. People come in during the days here and take some of us away, but it is usually the young pups, or one of the full breed dogs. Us mutts get passed over again and again. It doesnt help that I am old, and the only thing I got going for me is I am loyal and trained, but they dont know that.

As the young boy approaches, I perk up because my cell is finally going to be cleaned. He reaches in and grabs me but I notice he does not have his usual cleaning supplies with him. He carries me in his arms to a room I have never seen. It is very hot in there and he sits me on the table. All of a sudden he pulls out a big needle. I try to run, but he holds me down, and slowly sticks me with the needle. I start to fade in and out, as I can barely open my eyes I see him throwing dogs into a big furnace. Dead dogs. Oh my God, this is it. He has put me to sleep. Its only a matter of time. All I want is my cage back and I dont care how much piss is all over the things. Please no..... I am trailing off.... no,... not yet....plea...........bark......whimper.....please no......ple........


I wrote this because it came to me when I was just thinking about the time I did community service in an animal shelter. I remember the smell from that furnace. I hated it. I am not a big animal lover, but I think it was messed up and smelt nasty. I seen them just kill dozens a day. I hated it, and all I could ever think is this is doggy death row. It was sad.

What Else

Well, I challenged myself at the beginning of the year to go through all the things on the list for the journal, but since they are not required to do, I am letting that go. If I can find it in me to finish that challenge before the semester is up, I will, but right now, I am just trying to right whatever comes to mind which isnt much but a bunch of crap. haha

Lets try another poem, since those seem to come easier.

I lie here in bed as all these crazy thoughts run through my mind
Its like a movie of my life that is constantly on the rewind
So much pain and sorrow, so much loss and and grief
When will I ever find peace or just find some relief
I dont take drugs no more, yes I drink sometimes though
But I just want to be able to be sober and just let it all go
I hold it deep down and it tares away at my heart
Theres just so much to fix, that I dont know where to start
It is one big mess, one million scars tore open and bleeding
Love makes me happy and it is the only thing that Im needing
Why does it always fail, why do I give my all to just lose
Why are all my poems and songs always about the blues
Is there an end to this all anywhere in sight or even near
Or do I gotta keep breaking down and tasting my tears
My eyes have cried more then most men would admit
But I wear my heart on my sleeve and they keep breaking it
This on top of my childhood, and ever other pain I have kept
So much I have been through and all the times that I wept
I really dont know which way to turn or what move to make
And to be honest I just dont know how much more I can take
I contemplated ending it all, but I could not do that to my son'
So ill suffer through my entire life if I have to for my only one
Hes the only thing bright in my life, the one that makes me smile
I wouldnt be here any longer if I didnt ever have my child
So I gotta hold on just for him, and hopefully one day things give
And hopefully one day in my future I actually enjoy to live

Why do they have names now

Well, I was numbering the entries, now I gave them names and I dont know why. Oh well, I am forcing these last entries more then I am really caring about any of this at the moment. I just cant wrap my head around a lot of things right now, and the last thing I wanna do is be creative. I can sit here and bitch and moan all night and right probably a set of encyclopedias worth of writing just bitching about life for the last 37 years.

I wont go into detail, but it hasnt been an easy road from day one. Shit, I almost died at childbirth, maybe that was a sign huh? I am not sure if I am supposed to be treating this assignment like a diary, but these last few entries might just have to be. Maybe the last few I can actually write a story or something else. I am just so lost in my head right now, but I know I gotta keep pushing through for me and my son. Just hard sometimes with the shit the world brings on you and puts on your shoulders.

An old neighborhood friend died last night from a heart attack in his early forties. I am so unhealthy, I could see that being me. Thats kind of crazy to me, but I got so much shit out of whack and I smoke that I am a prime candidate. I look back on my life, and if it happened, would I be proud of anything or happy about anything. Probably only my son. And definately my writing that has been published, even if it was little shit here and there. The rest of it, blah, it sucked. I have to be honest, it sucked.

So here I am again rambling to no one, to a blank piece of paper, but the crazy thing is this is where I can sit here and bitch and moan and it actually makes me feel better even if no one ever reads it. Just that sound of the typing keys moving so fast and my mind racing just typing all this mumbo jumbo even if its meaningless, its such a release. Even if its for a short moment, or a few hours, I can escape into that sound of the words flowing off my fingertips, its liberating. Anyway, thats enough for now. I need a drink.....no not liquor this time..... root beer.

A Christmas Story

Well, I had an idea pop in my head. Was thinking about the holidays, and a story came to mine. Its a true story, and right now that might be all I can tell because my creative juices are just not flowing. At least its a post, and a story, and since I know it, it will be easy to write.

I was born on Halloween, so that has always been my favorite holiday. My second favorite has always been Christmas. Not only the presents, but hanging with my family who is the greatest family in the world, and that isnt a bias statement in my opinion.

I always wrote Santa a letter, and I loved Santa Claus just like any kid does. I dont remember my age, but I remember the time I found out he wasnt real, and even though I would never do that to my kid and tell him he isnt, I think its cruel and that day was heart breaking. Whats new huh?

I asked for this cassette tape from the movie Breakin, because I liked break dancing. Well, I had this little kid record player and used to listen to little mini records from movies like Star Wars and Indiana Jones. One day I was listening to Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I noticed a sack under my bed. I looked in it, and there was the cassette. I thought maybe my mom got it for Christmas for me, so I didnt say nothing about it.

Well, on Christmas morning, I came out to get my presents. I noticed inside my stocking the cassette was in there. I told my mom, I was happy I got it. I told her thanks for buying it for me. She said, I didnt buy it and that it was from Santa. I said no it isnt. She said, yes it is, it isnt from me as she kept lying through her teeth. Well, the gig was up. I said, well I found it under the bed a month ago. Needless to say, she finally fessed up and crushed my childhood by telling me there was no fat, jolly old Santa Claus. What a crock. I was heartbroken. I learned that day there was no Santa, no Easter Bunny, and no tooth fairy. Lets just say, that day was the worst Christmas ever.