Why do they have names now

Well, I was numbering the entries, now I gave them names and I dont know why. Oh well, I am forcing these last entries more then I am really caring about any of this at the moment. I just cant wrap my head around a lot of things right now, and the last thing I wanna do is be creative. I can sit here and bitch and moan all night and right probably a set of encyclopedias worth of writing just bitching about life for the last 37 years.

I wont go into detail, but it hasnt been an easy road from day one. Shit, I almost died at childbirth, maybe that was a sign huh? I am not sure if I am supposed to be treating this assignment like a diary, but these last few entries might just have to be. Maybe the last few I can actually write a story or something else. I am just so lost in my head right now, but I know I gotta keep pushing through for me and my son. Just hard sometimes with the shit the world brings on you and puts on your shoulders.

An old neighborhood friend died last night from a heart attack in his early forties. I am so unhealthy, I could see that being me. Thats kind of crazy to me, but I got so much shit out of whack and I smoke that I am a prime candidate. I look back on my life, and if it happened, would I be proud of anything or happy about anything. Probably only my son. And definately my writing that has been published, even if it was little shit here and there. The rest of it, blah, it sucked. I have to be honest, it sucked.

So here I am again rambling to no one, to a blank piece of paper, but the crazy thing is this is where I can sit here and bitch and moan and it actually makes me feel better even if no one ever reads it. Just that sound of the typing keys moving so fast and my mind racing just typing all this mumbo jumbo even if its meaningless, its such a release. Even if its for a short moment, or a few hours, I can escape into that sound of the words flowing off my fingertips, its liberating. Anyway, thats enough for now. I need a drink.....no not liquor this time..... root beer.